Just give me some space

Monday, 09 July 2007 00:00

Selfishness is not doing what you want to do - it is expecting other people to do what you want to do.

The most important thing that I learned from being single for 7 years following the break-up of my marriage, is how much I need my own space. I value and protect time spent on my own, doing what I want to do and, more particularly, not having to do what other people want to do.

When I met my partner, Chris, he had been a single parent for 4 years and he, too, was accustomed to calling the shots and doing his own thing. He was used to spending weekends on his boat, which he absolutely adores, and, at first, I used to go to the boat with him every weekend and holiday. Now, this might sound like bliss to you but it just wasn't my thing. The boat was moored on a popular lake and there was a built-in 'barbecue and beer' social life associated with going to the Lake, which Chris had enjoyed for several years. In addition, he and his kids enjoyed water skiing. This wasn't really my thing but I had to be involved in it, just because I was on the boat at the time the skiing was taking place. (The boat was travelling too fast for me to just sit and chill out whilst reading or admiring the scenery, which is what I preferred to do - I'm more of an anchor up and float about kinda woman.)

I felt guilty on four counts -

1. Because I didn't want to be at the Lake every weekend,
2.  As someone who enjoys their privacy, I felt uncomfortable being crammed into a 4-berth boat with 3 other people (the kids were both well into their teens and were already adult-sized),
3. Because it felt wrong for us to spend weekends (which are, after all, precious) apart from each other and
4.  Because if I insisted that we stay at home, Chris would be prevented from spending his weekends in the way that he wanted to. After all, the boat pre-dates me and is what he absolutely loves to do. Who am I to stop him enjoying himself, but, at the same time, if I don't share his enjoyment, why should I spend my weekends being miserable?

Eventually, my need to be me won out and we arrived at a compromise that worked for us. Most weekends I stayed at home and spent my time doing the things I love to do. Chris went to the boat with his kids and their entourage of friends and they could do enjoy themselves without me acting like a spectre at the feast.

Even though the kids are both off doing their own thing now, I still love my peace and quiet and Chris still loves to be out on his boat. On average, we still only spend one out of every three weekends at home together, probably closer to one in two during the winter when it is cold and wet and the sailing is off (the boat is now moored in a coastal marina and the sea can get pretty rough!). Since we are both self-employed, we sometimes arrange our work so that we can go to the boat together for a couple of days during the week when the marina is quiet and there will just be the two of us, chilling out. We both trust each other so we have no problems about regularly spending weekends apart and I am sure that, if we had been unable to reach this compromise, we would not be together now.

I am telling you this story as an illustration of how, as you get older and life becomes more complex, relationships are often not as straightforward or 'ideal' as you would expect or like them to be. For example, blended families may contain step-parents and step-children that don't get on together. Your grown-up children may hate and resent your partner's grown-up children and vice-versa. It might seem that your life is just one argument after another. However, if the relationship is fundamentally good, is worth hanging on to and a compromise can be found that will keep all parties happy, you may find that something relatively unconventional like living in separate houses or spending weekends apart may just keep you together.

You may find that once you both retire, you and your partner start to get on each other's nerves - that you are spending too much time together and are sick of the sight of each other. Power struggles may develop over the household chores. You may argue over the amount of space, time and money that each of you devote to hobbies and other activities. Your social life may become a battleground over what you do and whom you do it with. Jealousy may arise because one partner has an active social life with many friends, whilst the other partner sits at home and seethes with resentment.

No-one has the right to dictate how another person spends their time - no matter how long they have been married. On the other hand, it is extremely selfish to just go off and do your own thing all the time, spending all your joint cash on your hobbies and activities and leaving your partner bereft.

The best thing to do is to sit down together and try to talk things through with tact, diplomacy, kindness, calmness, patience and understanding. Find practical solutions - if you can't agree on how the household chores should be divided up, draw up a rota each week and alternate the gruesome jobs for fairness. Adopt an 'I choose/you choose arrangement with regard to joint social activities and even holidays/vacations. Take responsibility for yourself - if you have no hobbies, get some. If you have no friends, get some. Remember - this is YOUR retirement. Your partner may share it with you, but it is not their responsibility to make sure that you enjoy it and get the retirement you deserve - only you can do that...

Ann Harrison is a certified retirement coach, pre-retirement trainer and author of 'The Retirement Detox Programme: 40 Days to Get Your Retirement Back on Track'. For regular retirement-related news updates, visit her blog at Contemporary Retirement or catch up with her via her website Contemporary Retirement Coaching.